Lonely nights
by Ellstra
Summary: In AU where Bones is not able to bring Jim back to life, Spock s gets the task to do something with Captain s possessions. Among them, he finds an old record of a song that reminds him of Jim very much.


_**I was listening to the song "Lonely nights" from Scorpions when I was walking home from the cinema where I was to watch Into Darkness and this came to my mind. It´s pretty strange and probably OOC but I hope you´ll like it anyway. I also suggest you to listen to the song because it has atmosphere.**_

* * *

I have to do this. I want to do it as well as I do not which is quite illogical and confusing. How can anybody want to do something and yet try to avoid doing it? Illogical. And yet this is exactly my own state of mind in this moment. On one hand, I have to accept the awful, painful truth – that you are gone. It does not matter how much I wish it was just the dreadful experience which happens to people when they sleep – nightmare, as you called them. It happened. You are gone and you will never return back. You sacrificed yourself and did the bravest thing you could have done. You knew you were going to die and you did it anyway. I can not even say how proud of you I am. I can value sacrifice, I can value bravery. And you did both. I am so proud I could be your friend. I will not forget you and I hope you understand that what I am doing now is necessary. I forbade anybody to touch your possessions, they only took them in some box and removed it from Enteprise. She will fly again, do not worry. Some people wanted to leave her how she is, to make it your monument but I thought you wouldn´t want Enterprise to be tied to ground. I only hope my assumption was right, because there was about 46.845% chance I was wrong. If I was, I do apologize but you left no orders about what should be done about her. There were some rumours she would have another name – Kirk, after you and your father as well. I admit that for a while my mourning part liked the idea. But I don´t suppose you would want that either. I even think there is 74.79% probability that you would object.

I should concentrate. My mind is too busy and yet too unable to actually do something reasonable. I am talking off topic – even if it is just with you. I am not talking much to other people these days. I do not feel like that. People are acting strange in my presence, they look at me with unease, as if they did not know what to say. As if I was somehow more to you than they were, as if had more reason to mourn that they have, as if they wanted to give me space to mourn over you. Everybody except doctor McCoy, but we do not particularly enjoy each other´s company. I don´t want them to act like that. Do not get me wrong, I am mourning. But I do not want everybody to remind me of it. I do not want them to act as if life stopped and we could forget our duties. You would not want me – or anybody else – to stop living, I am almost certain. I know you thought life must go on and I think it is right, I understand the sentence better than before. You wanted me to carry on. And I am trying. You should know I am trying. For you, it is the last thing, the last good bye I can give you. I am very sorry if I missinterpreted you.

I have to do something with your possessions. They have been lying in the box for five weeks, three days and seventeen hours and I assume it is not doing any good to the condition of them. I wanted to do it, to decide what shall stay and what is useless and unimportant. It makes me feel uncomfortable because I assume I am – in fact – sneaking into your privacy and I hope you know how it affects me, that it does affect me. I believe – however – that you would want me to do it rather than anybody else. I am not aware if you understand but deep inside you know I am right.

I feel an illogical shortage of breath which can only be explained as an alergic reaction to the dust that has been settling down for said time. That is also the reason why my eyes are getting wetter than usual, I assume. Anything else would be illogical.

There are things of no real value. They might have been expensive, but it does not matter now. I only keep the things that have something in common with you, something connected to some memory of you. And suddenly I take out a record of a song. At least I suppose it is a record of a song, it looks very old and I am not certain it could be played. But why would you keep an old record? That would be illogical and you rarely did such illogical things. Or it may have just meant something to you and therefore it might not be necessary to hear the song – you had the record and that was enough. I wouldn´t understand before, but now I know what it might mean. I read the words connected to it.

Lonely nights, the one last and only memory

I do not understand. And yet something tells me that if I tried enough, I would. I try to see you. I try to imagine what you would mean. Memory of what? Of who? Of when? I do not usually fail in attempts to solve a problem but I do not have enough skill to understand this. Maybe if I heard the song I would understand.

Despite my knowledge about electronics, I don´t think I am capable of seeing the process which would make this old record to play. Instead, I assume the two words before the comma is a name of the song. I tell it to the computer to search it and while it is in process, I sit down and try to calm my nerves down. There is no real reason for my demeanor to be like this. To be so – as you would say – messed up. I close my eyes and try to control my breathing as I feel I´m breathing too fast.

The first few tones of the song sound and I freeze. I only sit here and listen. This is song is not of any sort I heard from you. It is so different. So gentle, light, touching. Slow repeating of few tones, back and forth, again and again. For a few seconds. I know I would be able to listen only to this part of the song for some time. It makes my soul wake up. Vulcans do not have music. It is highly illogical to spend time listening to or singing songs as they usually do not have any value of information and only distracts people from work. Mother used to sing me songs she´d taken on Vulcan from Earth when I was little. When I could appreciate illogical things. I miss that, you know.

_Since you're gone_

_There is an empty space_

Even the first two lines of this song make me feel. That´s not good. I am here, doing what I am doing, just to make myself forget. No, not forget. Eliminate damage that was caused to my mind and soul. It is only logical to try to fight all the things – emotions – which are so distant for me and yet so close. I am trying to overcome my grief, I am trying to be strong, not to feel such a pain. I am trying. And I am not successful at all.

_Since you're gone_

_The world is not the same_

Why am I listening to this song? It is old, so old I wonder why it even exists, why you kept it. There are many new songs and yet you had a record of this one – this only one – among your personal things. I have seen the label. What is that memory it was refering to? Somebody you kept dear? Somebody you never wanted to forget? I find myself much too interested. It is ´none of my business´ as you would say, but I still want to know who meant so much to you.

_I go back to the places we've been_

_Feels like you're still there_

Feels… Why does everything seem to feel something? It is everywhere. Feelings. Love. Friendship. Hatred. Pain. Desire. Compassion. Sadness. Joy. It´s everywhere and it´s so illogical. Why do the feelings exist? They only cause troubles and make people feel.

_I live all those moments again_

_Wishing you were here_

Yes. I wish. I have never wanted anything so badly as I want you to be here. That´s why you liked the song? Did you feel like it? Did it make you remember? Because now I know that even though it makes me feel, I do not want to forget. I don´t want to forget what we had, because I do not want to forget you. I may not feel pain if I did not know you, but I would never experience the good feelings you gave me. I would never know friendship and I would never know what it is to feel.

_Since you're gone_

_There is a lonely heart_

Why is it said feelings are from heart? Heart is an organ which circulates blood, important, of course, forcing life to run through vessels. But it is not possible that heart would make somebody feel. It is just a piece of organ. Tissue. It could be a stomach as well. Or liver. Or an eyeball. Why heart?

_Since you're gone_

_Nothing is like it was_

You know, everything is – to use your terminology – a total mess without you. Everybody is shaken. Nobody wants to talk about you, nobody wants to talk about Enterprise. If your name is said, everybody looks away as if you did not exist. As if your name was an insult. I do not want to forget you but nobody wants to talk about you. Nobody says ´He was brave.´ Nobody is grateful. Is it a common human quality? To abandon everything what was once worthy and valueable. Because if it is, I do not want to have human qualities.

_There are memories all over the place_

_Bringing it back all so clear_

Is it normal to walk around the Academy in attempt to recall you? I am not aware such a demeanor would be wrong, but I have nothing to compare. Without you, I am lost. How am I supposed to learn what friendship means when you left? Who will be patient enough to let me explain how much I want to feel, how much I want those I love to know I do love them? Who will make me understand? Nobody because you´re gone. So at least I am wandering around places I know you had been to because I want to feel your presence. I want to feel you are still with me.

_Remember all of those days_

_Wishing you were here_

Do you remember when you tried to make me understand what I meant to you? You may not, but I do. I remember everything. Your eyes full of hope that I will be able to understand. Your eyes full of sadness when you realised I will not. I remember everything we have been through together. Because you were so precious to me. Sometimes you meant everything. It was highly illogical to feel like that but you were able to make me put logic aside. I want you here. I want you by my side because now I have to act logically all the time as I do not have anybody who would make me irrational from time to time. I do not have anybody I would want to give reason up for.

_All those lonely nights_

I can not sleep. I am not able to. When I close my eyes, I see you in front of me, I see how despearate you looked when you were lying there on the floor, without any hope.

_Lonely nights_

How miserable I felt when I realised everything was futile. How sad I felt when I realised the end was coming and I was not able to stop it.

_Lonely nights_

The tears in your eyes when you slipped through my fingers. The pain I felt when I saw how hard it was for you to breathe.

_Lonely nights_

The sudden realisation you will no longer be here to teach me to live. That you will no longer make me smile, make me blush, make me feel.

_Lonely nights_

I remember. You made me feel and you shall remain the only one to be able to make me feel good things. You shall stay unique. You shall stay because it´s logical.

_I gotta fight for you, yes I do_

I feel so useless. And so… angry. Everybody seems to forget you. No, not forget you. They act as if you were bad. As if they were ashamed to say your name aloud in fear somebody could hear them. As if they did not care enough for you to just talk about you. To say some story about you, to say a joke you made, anything.

_All those lonely nights_

I spend the time I usually dedicate to meditation trying to recall who you were. I don´t want to be the same as them. Those people who keep talking about you as if you were a thing, a tool which was used for a great purpose. They praise you, they do. They want to give you some medals and other uniportant things people seem to cling onto so much. But they do not try to remember you as a person. That you were a human being, that you were breathing, dreaming, laughing, crying. That you lived.

_Lonely nights_

I am writing a diary so every time I would fear I am forgetting you, I will just look and see everything I knew about you.

_Lonely nights_

You know, as a half-Vulcan I have a great memory, but even I am forgetting. And I don´t want to forget your smile, your laugh, your beautiful vivid eyes.

_Lonely nights_

I write down every joke you made. I write down every insult I have heard from you because they are personal. I am sure you did not realise but for me they are precious. Because they say I meant something to you. No matter what they said. I wasn´t unimportant.

_Lonely nights_

I want to write everything about you. Not only how great you were but even what was bad in you. Because that is what you really were and you were amazing. Wonderful. You should be remembered and I will make sure everybody knows your name.

_I gotta fight for you, yes I do_

It is not easy. It hurts me, it makes me feel and sometimes I have to quit to fight tears. I do not want to cry. It makes me feel. It makes me exhausted and it makes me want to forget you. And therefore crying is illogical and necessary. Why should I cry when you are not here to see it?

_Yes, I do_

Did you ever realise how much you meant to me? How much I wanted to make you like me? How much I tried to make you happy?

_Since you're gone_

_There is a heart that bleeds_

Why did you have to go? If was supposed to choose one person to die, it wouldn´t be you. It would never be you because I would rather die than watched your life disappearing, melting, leaving. And this does nothing to do with logic. Of course you were the Captain and too important. But honestly, I did not care about logic, not in that moment. I want to save you and I say it without hesitation, without thinking. If I could save only one person, it would be you.

_Since you're gone_

_I'm not the man I used to be_

It is painful to go on with my life without you. You changed me, you made me more human, you made me feel. And then you went away and left me here, unprepared, confused and hurt. Yes, I am hurt. I do not know what to do, I do not see my place in world. I can not return back to the Vulcan way of life and yet I am not human enough to embrace that. You were the only one who understood, who was capable of thinking of these parts of me like about a complex.

_I follow your steps in the snow_

_Traces disappear_

Maybe not snow. But I try to watch your way, I try to reach for you, to get you back. You left without any real inheritance, you did not leave me anything. I am lost, I do not understand the world and you are no longer here to be a support for me. I still have not given up on you. I am searching for you, for your soul, for your understanding. But it is no longer possible in this lifetime.

_We know what we've lost when it's gone_

_I'm wishing you were here_

I wish I was faster. I wish I realised what you meant to me when there still was time to let you know. If I had realised, we could have moved, everything could have been different. And maybe, just maybe, if I was able to realise it before, I would have been selfish enough not to let you go there, to the warp core. I would do anything I could to make you stay. Maybe we would all die, but at least I would die with you, by your side where I belonged. Or it would be me to die in the reactor. Everything would be different if I knew what I know now.

_All those lonely nights_

You were aware of the fact that I were too slow, too Vulcan to realise what was between us. Why did you not do anything? Why did you let me slip through your fingers?

_Lonely nights_

Or did I mean nothing to you? Am I just picturing what I thought was your own feelings, am I just clamped to the idea of us being special to each other so much that I put aside logic and act because of my feelings?

_Lonely nights_

Was the light in your eyes false? Were those smiles fake? Were those words untrue? Did those touches mean nothing? Was the laughter not sincere?

_Lonely nights_

I am sorry if I am wrong, but I do not think so. I may have problems with feelings. I may be a bit slow so I do not know what exactly you felt for me. But I am almost 100% sure you felt something unique for me. Not love. That is not enough.

_Lonely nights_

We were so wrong. We were so silly, so wasteful. We could have had much… and we had little because we did not do what we could have done. We were given a chance and we missed it.

_I gotta fight for you, yes I do_

If I was given another one, if I could turn back time, I would not hesitate to do something. If I was granted another lifetime but with today´s knowledge and experience, I would use my chance. I promise.

_All those lonely nights_

Everything hurts me. I am not strong enough. I wanted to keep myself together, I wanted to stay calm, but I am not able to. I shall not be allowed to for my ignorance.

_Lonely nights_

I have to think of you all the time. These words, this song, this things, this planet, this universe. Everything reminds me of you. Is it not unfair? I want to let you go, I want to let you rest.

_Lonely nights_

And yet I am not able to. You are in everything, everywhere, you are omnipresent. You are in every fibre of me, hidden in my flesh like a cancer. I can not cut you out without cutting off pieces of my body as well. You are me and I am you, we are one. We are tangled.

_Lonely nights_

I do believe you were my destiny. We were supposed to be special, we were made for each other. Why weren´t we allowed to become closer? Why didn´t we have a chance to say what we meant to each other?

_Lonely nights_

Maybe it was not important. Maybe you knew more than I did. It is highly probably that you would know more about feelings than I do.

_I got to fight for you, yes I do_

I wish you could tell me. I wish I knew what you felt, I am upset with this uncertainty. Did you know? Did you even want to know?

_Yes, I do_

There is no way back. Only forward. I hope we have a chance somewhere else. In some other space, other lifetime. I wish us to be happy, at least some parts of us if we failed.

_I go back to the places we've been_

_Feels like you're still there_

I understand why people go to the same pubs and bars over and over. The place grows to be a part of the person just like the person becomes a part of it. There are tiny bits of you in every place you visited, you left marks there and the more time you spent there, the more intensive you felt there, the more vivid your presence is there.

_I live all those moments again_

_Wishing you were here_

And if I go where you were, where you experienced fear, pain, anger, love or joy, I can almost feel you are here with me again. But you are not. And you will never be again. And that is what makes me sad.

_All those lonely nights_

I am crying for you and I wish to be strong at once. When I close my eyes, I see you in front of me and it makes my head spinning. It does not matter if I see you dying, in pain, or laughing full of joy. The effect is the same. I cry.

_Lonely nights_

I am desperate. I do not know how to go on, because I am too broken. You made me feel, woke the feelings inside me and did not let them work. Before I could give them to you, you went away.

_Lonely nights_

They stayed with me, right under the surface. I have nobody to give them to but I can not fight them back.

_Lonely nights_

It drives me insane. My head might explode in the very next moment as I am trying to supress my thoughts. They eddy in my head and no meditation can save me.

_Lonely nights_

Do you see where you got me? I do not blame you, do not be mistaken. I know you did not do it on purpose, that you did not want to cause pain. And yet it happened. You hurt me. Damaged me. Broke me.

_I got to fight for you, yes I do_

I turn the song off before another word can sound. I wouldn´t stand it, because it feels so much like you. The song describes perfectly how I feel. Lost, lonely. I hate it because it causes pain and I love it because it reminds me of you. I feel tears running down my cheeks, but I smile slightly as well. I remember all the good things about you and I know I will always miss a big part of myself, but I shall never forget about the rest. Because I am still here and my time hasn´t come yet. Just wait for me, please.

* * *

_**Comment to Spock´s comment about music on Vulcan: I have no idea whether they have music. It just seemed logical that they don´t. I´m sorry if I am wrong. **_

_**Thanks for reading anyway. let me know what you think, please. :)**_


End file.
